That’s a mums life!
If I had a pound for every time someone has said that to me, I’d be rich!!!
Fair enough! A mums life is hectic and life in general is busy for everyone. Sometimes we forget what a mum can go through on a day-to-day basis. The change of body and mixture of emotions, if not spoken about, can escalate into something severe.
Lockdown was hard for everyone, and being pregnant made it even harder as I was going through my third pregnancy. You’d think I would be an expert, RIGHT? No! Not every pregnancy is the same, and this one was very different. We had already lost two family members to COVID, so it was becoming a hard and testing time for all of us.
I always wanted three children and when my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we were overjoyed with happiness. Our family needed some good news.
12 weeks in, I woke up at night not feeling right. Went to the bathroom and I was horrified when I saw blood. My heart skipped a few beats whilst thinking to myself ‘no this can’t be happening’. I’m crying thinking it’s all over. My husband and kids (11 and 8) now comforting me.
As COVID was at its peak at that time, I rang NHS direct and was told ‘nothing can be done and they’re sorry’. This broke me. After crying all night, my husband decided he was going to get answers and rang around some private clinics. It was a Sunday but he managed to find a clinic where we could get a scan and check up. I needed answers!
We had to wait outside the clinic until we were called in. Needless to say, this was the longest wait I have ever had. Finally, we get called in.
Mask on and ready!
Finally lying on that bed, praying and hoping.
Cold gel on and here we go……
The nurse is moving the device around, ‘what’s taking so long’. And OMG, he’s there….
I felt my heart pounding as I got my breathe back. What a rollercoaster of emotions.
After this my mental health went downhill. I was paranoid and scared 24/7. It wasn’t normal to feel like this all the time. I felt isolated and alone. Hospitals were strict and dads were not allowed to any appointments, making me feel even worse. I would have regular panic attacks and cry all the time. I couldn’t see a midwife face-to-face as everything was on the phone. I would continuously get told ‘we can’t do anything, we’re sorry’. It was the same sentence all the time. I would ask, ‘is my baby OK’ and I would get nothing.
I would cry to the doctors, consultants and midwives. It was like I was a crazy lady screaming for help. I was getting worse and worse, the paranoia and anxiety wouldn’t go. On top of that I had pelvic girdle pain and was on crutches.
This would also be my third c-section, as I previously had 2, and was told it would be another c-section with a sterilisation. Sterilisation? What! I was given bad scenarios if I didn’t get sterilised. Looking back, I feel I wasn’t really given a choice. My husband wasn’t there with me and I just said ‘OK’.
At 38 weeks my beautiful boy was born, tiny at 6.1lbs. I couldn’t be happier, he was here and he was healthy.
BUT! Yes there’s a BUT, I was still the same mentally, maybe even worse. Paranoid, very protective, always worried something would go wrong. I wasn’t sleeping, always making sure he was OK and breathing.
If someone would ask if I was ‘OK’, I would say yes. Secretly, crying or want to cry, scream and saying ‘No, I’m not OK, please help me.’ But I held it in. There was no support. I was isolated. I had this immense pain inside and to relieve it, I started self harming. It was my way to scream and let the pain inside of me out.
I was suicidal. Sometimes I would plan how I would die. I even thought of writing letters to my husband and kids, telling them ‘I’m sorry, I couldn’t carry on’. But every time I looked at my little one and he stared at me, I knew I had to stay for him, for them, for all of them.
I was exhausted, and tired of always hearing ‘get on with it’, ‘this is a mums life, it’s normal’. No, it’s not normal, women should be able to say ‘I’m not ok, can you help’ and not be scared of what people may think or say.
Looking at my kids, I decided to get help. I had to do this myself. Browsing one day on Instagram and I came across a psychologist, I decided to message her. She replied and we spoke on the phone, it was great to speak to someone who didn’t judge me and listened. Even with that first conversation, I felt so much better. I had this huge weight on me and I had been carrying it for a very long time. I was getting help and speaking out.
Present day – I still have counselling with the same psychologist. She saved my life (thank you Rina)! Every time I come out of the meeting, outside I have my husband and kids waiting for me, hugging me and telling me they love me. I am making them proud!
My kids have their mum back and my husband has his wife back.
Don’t get me wrong, I still have ‘bad’ days. It’s a work in progress, but I’m moving forward and getting all the support and help I need.
My family and I decided to celebrate my progress and my son’s first birthday with a holiday to California. What a beautiful place. I loved it. Made me feel so much better. Looking out at the sea, hearing the waves, amazing!
This brings me to why I set up Nature’s Divine.
California was like Disneyland for me. All those boutiques and shops. It made me realise what my passion was, what I liked. That was cosmetics and skincare. I decided to bring together my passion and my love, my beautiful family.
When we came back, I enrolled in a skincare course and learned about different ingredients. I wanted to build a brand, specifically a family brand. It had to be organic, animal cruelty-free, vegan, 100% natural and eco-friendly. I looked throughout the market and couldn’t find a brand which had all these qualities.
My kids have had exposure to eczema and I wanted to make something for them. I wanted to create a balm and oil for babies and adults, which is soothing, and helps delicate skin but at the same time has all the values I wanted to add to it.
This is how Nature’s Divine was born.
Lastly, I want to say to you, what I wish someone had said to me………..
You are a great mum or dad, you are doing brilliantly and you are not alone!
Lets come together with Nature’s Divine
